I say “seemingly” because for every perfect, beautiful smile, for every milestone reached with perfection and grace, and for every easy nap, theres been absolute terror. That fateful night in November when nobody was getting any sleep for a sore mouth and an angry baby, is still ingrained in my mind. I fear for more such nights in our future. But through all of the kitty bum hairs pulled, the pieces of cat-tower carpet ingested, the horrible four month sleep regression, the deplorable sleep regression of eight months, the time he pooped on me in the tub, the calm pizza night in December turned nightmare when he shoved peanut butter up his nose, the surprisingly convincing tantrums over apple juice, and the complete lack of interest for any vegetable(Especially the orange ones, and carrots in particular) I repeat “he was pink he was pink he was pink he was pink he was pink he was pink he was pink” in my head all day long in remembereance of the first thing my doctor said upon pulling our son into this world: “He’s pink!”
Birthing a baby was the worst and hardest thing I’ve ever done, but he was pink. it feels like my nipples are being slammed in a car door when he bites them, but he was pink when he was born. I guess you could say that’s my deep breath.
However perfectly our champion sleeper has been at breastfeeding, self soothing, eating new things, learning new things, even teething—don’t for one moment believe that it all came that easily, or without its own set of struggles. (yes, I did just call my son an It.) we’ve struggled in more ways than one, with more than just parenting since we became parents. Many a stress bath has been taken, and many a tear has been shed by this little mommy. (and even the Daddy) I’ve always tried to be one step ahead of the game--google open, notebook at the ready, instagram post after instagram post carefully tucked away for when I need it, suggested parenting books bokmarked and highlighted, and trying my hardest to rememeber everything I’ve been told about being a parent—but there’s always that one thing that gets you like the monster under the bed, waiting for that unblanketed foot. And my unblanketed foot may be different from yours. That’s where our list of tips begins:
1. Every Baby is Different
Firstly, I want to start by saying, its not just babies. it’s everyone. Everyone is so completely, vastly different, and we’re beginning to see that more and more in our society today, as people feel more and more empowered to do, say, think, or believe what they will. But even with all this “wokeness”, acceptance, and love… people seem to forget the tiny guys: our babies. (And a WAY overlooked attachement to the tiny guys: their mommies (More on that later))
The reason why this is my number one tip, is because this is the very first thing I said to myself when I was pregnant: “Evaery baby is different.” (Or, AKA, every pregnancy is different) and you wouldn’t believe how many times I’ve had to explain that to myself, and others. So many people (Even other women!) tried to tell me that there was only one way a pregnancy could play out, one way to deliver, one way to feel pain, one way to be tired, one way. ONE. Which simply is not true. There’s a reason your doctor will repeat it to you like a mantra “Ommmmmmmeverypregnancyisdifferentommmmmmmmm” because it’s the truth, and it is just as true for born babies as it is for the unborn ones. Our tiny guys need different things, have different interests, develope at differring rates, sleep different, eat different, poop different, cry different—they’re all so very different from each other. I just want to get that across: DIFERENT.
But different isn’t bad, and different isn’t scary; I have personally been called barbaric for the method of sleep training that my husband and I chose to use, because another mother could not fathom letting her own child cry for more than five minutes at a time. Now, if you don’t agree with the way I parent: I don’t care and I wont argue with you, because I know your baby is different(I also think its absolutely barbaric when women put each other down, instead of raising each other up.)
One very VERY important aspect to this school of thought—Every Baby is Different—is that you do what’s good for your baby. So many people will give you tips, tricks, and advice(some unwarranted, some welcome) and you might think “Oh that’s the only way.” but it’s not. If your baby needs to be cuddled to sleep, do it. If Cry It Out is the only thing that works, do it. You may run into judgment or name calling, you may feel like you’re doing things wrong because you’re doing things differently, but in the end, understanding that every baby is different will make you a much better parent with a much happier baby.
2. Don’t Fall for Scaremongering
This seems to be a fan favorite on social media. We’ve all seen it, and I’m sure a majority of us have fallen victim to it in our own lives. One place it runs rampant the most: mommy communities.
Theres a fun app I’ve been using for a few months called “Peanut” its basically a tinder, Iinstagram, Facebook for mommies. It can be a really useful app—I’ve received some fantastic and much needed advice on menstrual cups—but it can also make you afraid to let your baby so much as take a breath of air.
On that app, I’ve seen people say(word for word) “Stay far away from Johnson and Johnson, it causes cancer and kills babies”, “Putting shoes on babies makes them disabled later in life”,“I know vaccinations cause autism, and SIDS, but…”,“Cry It Out is Barbaric and dangerous” and so on. And on. And on and on.
I don’t know what it is about people wanting to claim that your baby will literally DIE if you do this or that. Being a mom is terrifying. Sharing your parenting style or your baby’s diet is scarrier and more nerve-racking than sharing your religious or political beliefs. Someone, somewhere, no matter how purreed your food, how BPA free your bottles are, how soft souled your baby’s shoes, or how easily your baby puts themselves to sleep is 100% sure that you need to know that your baby is going to DROP DEAD.
Listen. It’s not true. Take another read through on tip number one. Every baby is different, every cirumstance is different, and different isn’t scary.
I know that you’ll scroll past a list of "horrible things that will happen to your baby if you do these five things” on Facebook. I know you’ll run into a Debora who’s daughter’s best friend’s neice’s son is autistic because of vaccines(NOT TRUE!!!) Or a Becky who is 100% sure that formula fed babies aren’t smart or strong or healthy(NOT TRUE!!!). I know you’ll be told at least once in your life that your baby is going to choke and die at their highchair because your eyes left them for thirty seconds, MAX. Don’t fall for it! You know your baby, in and out, sideways, and upside down.
There are so many different things that people will say to shock and scare you, and they know that moms are the most vulnerable to judgement and scaremongering.
If something scares you, if something makes you nervous, and if you have to think twice about making a decision in your baby’s life—ask a proffessional. A real, college graduate professional. Don’t ask social media for parenting advice, and don’t let Amanda tell you that your baby is going to “catch” cancer from Johnson&Johnson products. Take care of yourself out there.
3. Take Care of You
While we’re on the subject, let’s talk self care. What does that look like for you?
Steaming hot stress baths, face masks, creamy lotions, essential oils, and a nice little drink of whatever you like are all really great tools for self care! But what I’m talking about here is checking in with yourself. Are you okay? Are you suffering day to day? What aspects of parenthood are making you miserable and how can you make it better?
Here are some important bullets to note:
- You are a person
- Your life is not over because you are a parent
- You are not a bad parent for putting your needs first
I’ve seen parents bashed, judged, and called names for taking time for themselves.
“You’re a parent now, you don’t get to take time for yourself.” WRONG. How in the world can your possibly take care of little human beings if you don’t even take care of yourself?
When I quit my job in August, last year, I was in a really dark place. I won’t go into detail, because I’m not ready to share, but I want you to know that it’s okay to admit that you can’t do it. I was so terrified of quitting my job and being a “quitter” I had said over and over again that the SAHM life just wasn’t for me, and I would never ever do it. I was a working mom and I was going to die a working mom. I was tough and I was a provider.
We found out, the hard way, that the working mom life just wasn’t possible for me.
And that’s okay. Admitting that took bravery. It took a different kind of tough, no matter how quiet the confession.
There’s a strange stigma on mental health, and I’ve had to deal with that my wohle life. However, I’ve never felt more misunderstood than as a mom with PPD. For some reason or another, people beleive that it’s a mother's job to be unhappy. Some will tell you that only your children’s happiness is important, you’re only a good mom if you cry yourself to sleep every night, you can only raise excellent children if you break your back doing it.
Over the past months, since I quit my job, I realized that it was the very best thing I’ve ever done for my family. I took care of myself, and it helps me to take care of them. If I hadn’t whispered to my husband that night in August, I don’t know if our family would have survived; I hadn’t realized how hard my husband was suffering too.
It’s okay to admit that things aren’t okay. It’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to take care of yourself, however you’ve got to do it. It’s true that your family needs you, but they need a healthy and happy you.
So go draw yourself a bath and stick that naked little baby bum in your lap while your pour nearly the entire bottle of bubble bath in the water. You deserve it. You don’t need to do anything to earn it—you just deserve it.
4. Take a Break
You deserve a break too; even if it’s just a pretend poo.
My husband says, “No need to elaborate with that opening statement.” But I do. I really, really do.
So many of us are out here thinking that we rest when we’re dead.
Here are some important bullets to note:
- You are a person
- Your life is not over because you are a parent
- You are not a bad parent for putting your needs first
And:
- You are not a bad parent for wanting/needing a break
- You are not a bad parent for taking that break
- You are not a bad parent if your baby cries for five minutes
I have never ever been very good at handling crying. (and if you didn't know, babies... they cry) I am usually the person to go to in a crisis, but if the baby is crying, it's not me, Fam.
The best parenting advice my mom ever gave, and I'm going to give it to you too, is: Put them down somewhere safe. Walk into the other room. Set a timer for five minutes. Every single time--every single time--I come back from that five minutes, and I've got the answer to the mystery issue within thirty seconds. It doesn't matter if you can still hear Baby crying in the other room, take that five minutes to gather your wits and breathe deeply.
What does your break look like? Is it a desperate five minutes? Is it a pretend poo while their tiny, hammy hands sneak under the bathroom door? Or is it a power nap while they munch on crunchies in the Johnny Jump Up? You decide, but take it.
What does your break look like? Is it a desperate five minutes? Is it a pretend poo while their tiny, hammy hands sneak under the bathroom door? Or is it a power nap while they munch on crunchies in the Johnny Jump Up? You decide, but take it.
You don’t have to wait for Grandma to come pick them up, you don’t have to wait for Dad to get off work, and you don’t have to count on Daycare as your sole form of freedom. Stop pulling your hair out and biting your nails. Take a break, Mamma.
Don't fall under that pretense that you need to be with your angel baby every second of every day. Don't fall for it when Linda tells you that you're neglecting your child if you don't let them in the bathroom to poop with you. Don't panic when that Facebook post going around says they're going to have separation anxiety if you leave them to cry for a few minutes. (NONE OF THESE ARE TRUE)
YOU ARE A PERSON. Mom is not your life, Mom is a new hat you wear.
You are doing a good job and I want you to know that. I also want you to know that your little attachment is removable; they're attached with some pretty heavy duty velcro, but they're removable.
5. Find Your Tribe
This sounds like one of those corny inspirational planner stickers with all the boho painted feathers.
So inspire. Much relatable.
But man, is it ever important.
You can't do everything alone, whether you are single or you've got a spouse/partner--you need a "tribe"
Now, let me first tell all of you that my tribe looks very, extremely different than yours probably will. I'm an introvert. My tribe is mostly me. But I've let my husband in. And also my best friend, she can come too. That's my tribe. But those are the people that I know have my back when I need it. Those are the people I can count on to listen and to say things like "No way!" when I need it. Those are the people who will be there(Okay maybe not the best friend because she lives so far away come home I miss you) with a hug and a shoulder to cry on when I am just so frustrated with being a parent.
This tribe is your support group. They support you, you support them. Now more than ever, as a mom, you need this support group. You'd go crazy without them. You'd feel lonely without them.
Where can you find your tribe? Anywhere. Seriously. I know I've been claimed a few times, even as a caregiver, as a member of someone's tribe. It doesn't have to be someone you grew up with, someone you sleep with, or someone who birthed you--it can be anyone.
You can still be Miss Independent, just don't do it alone.
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Lastly, enjoy being a parent, where you can. They're only little for so long; Louie was just an angry potato two days ago, I swear, but now he calls for Dadda, puts pepperonis on his head, and chases the cats on hands and knees.
Don't worry about being the perfect parent, because you wont be. Don't worry about who's baby is doing what and how she's recovering form giving birth and how did they get so skinny--do your best, and then do better tomorrow. You got this.
Be excellent to each other
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This sounds like one of those corny inspirational planner stickers with all the boho painted feathers.
So inspire. Much relatable.
But man, is it ever important.
You can't do everything alone, whether you are single or you've got a spouse/partner--you need a "tribe"
Now, let me first tell all of you that my tribe looks very, extremely different than yours probably will. I'm an introvert. My tribe is mostly me. But I've let my husband in. And also my best friend, she can come too. That's my tribe. But those are the people that I know have my back when I need it. Those are the people I can count on to listen and to say things like "No way!" when I need it. Those are the people who will be there(Okay maybe not the best friend because she lives so far away come home I miss you) with a hug and a shoulder to cry on when I am just so frustrated with being a parent.
This tribe is your support group. They support you, you support them. Now more than ever, as a mom, you need this support group. You'd go crazy without them. You'd feel lonely without them.
Where can you find your tribe? Anywhere. Seriously. I know I've been claimed a few times, even as a caregiver, as a member of someone's tribe. It doesn't have to be someone you grew up with, someone you sleep with, or someone who birthed you--it can be anyone.
You can still be Miss Independent, just don't do it alone.
.
.
Lastly, enjoy being a parent, where you can. They're only little for so long; Louie was just an angry potato two days ago, I swear, but now he calls for Dadda, puts pepperonis on his head, and chases the cats on hands and knees.
Don't worry about being the perfect parent, because you wont be. Don't worry about who's baby is doing what and how she's recovering form giving birth and how did they get so skinny--do your best, and then do better tomorrow. You got this.
Be excellent to each other
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My next post will be going live on Feb.12th, 2020*
As of right now, blog posts will be biweekly, on Wednesdays. If you’ve been reading long enough, you’ll know that’s subject to change. I’ll be announcing the date of new posts at the end of each post, the top of the blog home page, my Instagram bio, and Instagram stories. So you can’t miss it!
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Be sure to subscribe so that you are first to know when a new post has gone live!
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Blog: @smalltown.squirrel
Art Page: @thesquirrelshollow
Personal: @sh3rlc3
*I will be posting TWO POSTS on February 12th, so watch out for BOTH!
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